The Rated-R Superstar says goodbye

Edge (photo from ring-rap.com)

It’s almost impossible to trust a “retirement” speech in professional wrestling.

Edge made one Monday night on RAW and, thankfully, it wasn’t to advance an angle. There wasn’t any interference or interruption, which certainly was expected when RAW was promoting a possible Edge retirement speech out of the blue throughout its show.

Nope, Adam Copeland, 37, legitimately retired from the WWE because he really had no choice.

He’s never been one to shy away from pushing his body to its physical limit, being a pioneer of Tables, Ladders & Chairs matches for one. Along the way, his body broke down multiple times — an Achilles tendon injury that shelved him for six months before the 2010 Royal Rumble, and a neck injury in 2003 that required fusion surgery and kept him out for about a year. That neck injury is what has forced him to retire now. He said he started to lose feeling in his arms, had more tests done and received the news that he must quit. Either that or, as he alluded, risk going out in a wheelchair.

There wasn’t a huge sendoff, like other legendary retirees before him. Just a man who was told to take a mic and say whatever he wanted on the way out. Though his retirement, admittedly sudden, lacked fanfare, he leaves as one of the best professional wrestlers ever. He won 31 championships in WWE, including 14 tag team titles and 11 world titles. He leaves as the World Heavyweight Champion, which he’ll relinquish on SmackDown this Friday.

He reinvented himself several times — from the guy in the trench coat who entered the ring through the crowd to a psuedo-vampire with Christian and Gangrel, to a tag-team specialist who tore the house down with The Hardy Boyz and The Dudley Boyz, to a highly decorated singles competitor who transformed from fan favorite to The Rated-R Superstar and arguably the best heel in wrestling in the mid-2000s.

It was Edge who brought me back to wrestling in 2006. I instantly became fans of Edge and Randy Orton, and their run as Rated-RKO was one of my favorite times as a viewer of wrestling. I went away from being an Edgehead for his final year after a breakup with a girlfriend who assumed the role as the absolute bane of my existence (and was a bigger Edgehead than I), but wasn’t prepared to see one of the best hang ‘em up.

It was a great run, Mr. Copeland. We’ll miss ya.

Finally…The Rock…HAS COME BACK!

I was a freshman in college the last time The Rock had a match.

I admittedly missed that match because, well, I was a freshman in college. I wasn’t watching wrestling then. When I got back into it in 2006, he already had been gone for years. Soon after, he completed the transition to Dwayne Johnson.

Well, finally, on Valentine’s Day, The Rock has come back … home.

He’s not booked to compete yet. He’s simply the host of WrestleMania 27 (or XXVII? I’m never sure anymore) at this point. But one thing is for certain — there’s just this … feeling … that something big is about to happen. This isn’t Hulk Hogan or Ric Flair (or anybody else paid a shitload of money) showing up in TNA. Hell, it isn’t Bret Hart coming back to the WWE. This feels bigger because, at 38 years old, The Rock is still in great shape, and one can only assume he can still get it done in the ring.

So why is he where? What will he do? …is he here to stay? (He says he is.) The possibilities are endless, and the millions (…and millions) of The Rock’s fans can’t wait to see what’s next.

Until then, here’s some nostalgia for you:

Chris Jericho’s WWF debut…also the first time he was absolutely owned by The Rock in a promo

One of the greatest heel promos of all time, also the coining of the term “Mother Canucker”

The Rock’s new intro OK, not nostalgic, but still awesome.

Let’s get ready to (Royal) Rumble!

It's that time of year again. (photo courtesy of Wrestling101.com)

After nearly a year away from this blog (I honestly forgot about it), I figured the perfect pay-per-view was the perfect time to resurrect it.

Yeah, I said it. The Royal Rumble is the perfect pay-per-view wrestling event.

Get 30 wrestlers to enter the ring in increments. Get 29 of them to leave the ring by being thrown over the top rope. Give the 30th a title shot at WrestleMania. Repeat every January. This is absolute perfection.

This year’s Rumble is Jan. 30, and it somehow is even better than before. “How does perfect improve?” you ask. Perfect improves, my friend, by adding 10 people to the match.

That’s right. Forty people in the Royal Rumble.

All there is to do now is wait a week and a half, see which surprising entrant comes in and tears the house down (probably Triple H this year), see who gets finished faster than Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and, well, see who wins the damn thing. Another option during this week and a half is to train for the best part of the Royal Rumble — the Royal Rumble drinking game! The recipe, if you will, is below. (Note: If you’re not of legal drinking age, just stop reading here.)

• Ingredients: Royal Rumble (on TV or DVD), alcohol (preferably beer…lots of it).
• Basic rules: Drink once upon a wrestler’s entry. Drink twice upon each wrestler’s elimination.
• Intermediate rules (for past Rumbles): Find out which wrestler has the most eliminations in a given Rumble. Drink twice upon his entry. Drink double (four) for each wrestler he eliminates. Recommended years: 2001 (Kane eliminates 11), 1997 (Stone Cold eliminates 10, plus a Bret Hart appearance)
• Advanced rules: Before the match begins, each viewer picks a number. Drink three when that numbered wrestler enters the match. Finish your drink if/when that wrestler is eliminated.

The Royal Rumble drinking game is, quite possibly, the best original idea I’ve had in 25-plus years on this planet. If you really want to make it special (and possibly painful later), commemorate the first 40-person Rumble by drinking a couple 40s! (You’ll probably need two.)

AJ Styles: Nature Bitch

Some heel turns work. Edge? That worked. Batista? Working great. Hollywood Hogan? Worked like a mother-wrote-my-lyrics.

AJ Styles? Not so much.

For those who haven’t nibbled yet on the TNA bait, Styles was a good guy people genuinely liked. If you’re a WWE fan, think John Morrison with less glitz. Well, apparently the next step was to turn AJ into the next Ric Flair while being managed by, well, Ric Flair. *waits for you to get a couple ‘Wooooooooooo!’s out of your system…it’s OK*

Here’s how Flair apparently decided to (1) pass the torch (2) to young AJ:

For the past 20 years, people have said, ‘Nature Boy, who’s gonna be the next Nature Boy?’ Well, the answer was simple: nobody! Until 6 months ago, I started watching TNA and I saw the great Kurt Angle, the greatest wrestling technician of all time. No.

And then I saw Sting. Sting, wherever you are, you’re great, but you’re not Ric Flair. And then all of a sudden, about a month ago, I saw a young man in the ring who now I’ll be working with until I’m out of this business, and I’m talking about the great AJ ‘Stylin’ and Profile’ Styles. *He* will be the next Ric Flair.

The problem is *only* Ric Flair can be Ric Flair. That has become even more apparent in the month since the Genesis pay-per-view, which has seen AJ Styles absolutely butcher his Ric Flair impression.

For proof of AJ’s newfound douchebaggery, see for yourself (via YouTube):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMnH5nhUUZI&NR=1 (skip to the 4:45 mark for Styles, or stay for the whole Flair rant)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jp5n9CJEpo (much shorter clip, but still valid)

The thing is, though, that Styles and Flair will probably hold the TNA championship for a long time yet. That could mean one of two things — Styles grows into the gimmick and makes it work, or he keeps falling on his face and TNA has to scramble to give this bit a merciful end.

For the next step, watch at 9 tonight on Spike.

RIP, ECW

Tuesday was the official end of the bastardization of three of the most popular letters in professional wrestling.

E-C-F’n-W.

The original version was absolutely nuts. So much so, in fact, that I wished I’d actually known about it before the bastardization began, when it played a bit role in the most botched angle in wrestling history (note: if you really don’t know, look up the Invasion). It eventually disappeared, then came back for one pay-per-view. It disappeared again, only to come back, stick around for nearly four years and become one of Syfy’s highest rated shows.

Tuesday night was the end of it. All of it. And what a way to go out, too — The Miz and Big Show make an appearance and retain their tag team belts over Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust, low- and mid-carders alike run in one-by-one on The Abraham Washington Show, and Ezekiel Jackson beats Christian in a bloodless TV-PG Extreme Rules match to become the 27th and final ECW champion.

Thanks to DVR, I only wasted about 40 minutes of my life, instead of the hour-plus it was live.

For the final episode of ECW, the WWE could’ve went wild — maybe added an hour, brought in some old ECW guys to spice things up, had more than two matches, or even broken out some of footage from the past. Instead, Vinnie Mac decided it was best to pimp his new supposedly groundbreaking show, WWE NXT, and the upcoming PPV, Elimination Chamber. (note again: Yes, Elimination Chamber. Apparently, No Way Out didn’t give enough of a hint that this would be the PPV with the elimination chamber matches).

If you want the Reader’s Digest version, just read this: Tuesday night’s ECW was a waste of an hour, just as Vince McMahon must’ve thought it was every week. It’s mercifully gone, without a sendoff even worthy of a main event. I’ll have to wait until Impact to be entertained this week.

Impact 11/12: Buying time…

(Note: The lack of recent posts has to do with missing several episodes of WWE programming. In this case missing is strictly in the physical sense, as in I didn’t watch them, not that I felt bad for not watching.)

TNA currently is in a weird spot. The company claims to be making its big move, it’s ‘swing for the fences’, as president Dixie Carter eloquently put it last week. However, it can’t really make that move until this guy shows up on TV:

Until then, which, hopefully, is right after Sunday’s pay-per-view, TNA is just buying time. The big picture is staying in neutral, if you will. However, there were some little things that, needless to say, entertained and refreshed fans on the most recent Impact.

• Beautiful People, ugly stick: Madison and Velvet have claimed to be cleansing the world, one ugly person at a time. With their newest member, the lovely Lacey Von Erich, comes a new prop. Lacey literally carries around an Ugly Stick. OK, so it’s a bubble-gum pink nightstick. It still kicks ass.
• Old dogs, no tricks: As if adding 56-year-old Hogan wasn’t enough, TNA debuted two ‘new’ competitors this week — Raven (45) and Jim ‘The Anvil’ Neidhart (53). Raven rejoined the promotion via a lights-out run-in that included changing the outcome of the Abyss/Stevie Richards match and shooting a fireball into Mick Foley’s face. Well done. The Anvil made what supposedly was his TNA debut during the Black Machismo Invitational, in which Jay Lethal (a hilarious Macho Man knockoff) vows to face/defeat a legend each week. Neidhart, who looks like he ate the rest of the Hart Foundation, somehow went over. So much for that.
• Double turn, triple personnel: Team 3D started a heel turn last week, when Brother/Bubba/Buh Buh Ray used a chair in their match against Matt Morgan and Hernandez. They completed the turn in a promo that showed them buying into Rhino’s conspiracy theory (basically the young guys are trying to take out the old guys…a solid plan if you ask me) and going a bit racist on Hernandez. In the same promo, it is brought to the attention of the faces that they need a third man for their 6-man street fight at the PPV. Out comes D’Angelo Dinero, who makes a face turn to join ‘the future’ against ‘the past.’ Not often you see three guys turn at once, probably because it’s confusing, but I liked it.
• X Division, simply Amazing: I now am convinced there currently are three things that keep me watching wrestling — Randy Orton as the best heel I’ve ever seen, Kurt Angle as a face, and Amazing Red as…well…Amazing Red. He’s young (27), risky, innovative and energetic…a classic luchador. Think Rey Mysterio in WCW, without the mask (or hip-hop makeover, depending on the era) and before he was doomed to a life of David vs. Goliath matches. If you’re a wrestling fan, you will *love* this guy.

SD 10/30: Unleash the (evil) Animal

Batista served some sort of purpose. Not sure really what, because I always found him annoying…just a jacked-up, crazed dude with limited skill besides a couple power moves, but people absolutely loved him.

With all that being said, I love Batista as a heel.

A message board I’m a part of said the quickest way to turn someone heel was to “beat the ever-loving piss out of Jeff Hardy or Rey Mysterio.” Dave Batista did that and said two words that cemented the turn.

“Eddie’s dead.”

During an in-ring promo, Rey was trying quite unsuccessfully to “straighten thing out” after getting the ever-loving piss beaten out of him Sunday. Hence, the following exchange (paraphrased, of course):

Rey: What about all we’ve been through, dog? What about Eddie, man?

Dave: Eddie’s dead.

*crowd gasps*

The crowd literally didn’t know what to do. Vicious booing would’ve been the best reaction, but it was so shocked that Batista would stoop to such a level with such quickness.

The thing is he’s damn good at it. The big, pissed-off, short-fuse bad guy is a perfect role for him physically and creatively. He plays the part well, and as a bruising heel he can just go in and beat the hell out of guys without worrying about being technically skilled (which he’s not).

Plus, it opens up a lot of things in terms of storylines. I’m secretly hoping we see a dark side of Rey Rey at some point…tell me you wouldn’t love it if Mysterio just snapped, found a new level of intensity, went over Batista and suddenly carried a chip on his shoulder into a pursuit of Goldie. You, my friend, would watch. Well, only if you could stomach the rest of the show, which is tough to do at this point.

Just this summer, SmackDown! was the most entertaining WWE show to watch. Now it’s ECW. Yeah, I said it…EC(fucking)W.

Couple more things: I’m pretty sure I’ve witnessed the first Diva jobber match of my life, thanks to Beth Phoenix and supposedly the only girl who beat her in her amateur career. Most Diva matches are squashes (or just plain bad) anyway, but this took it to a whole new level. … Eric Escobar needs to go away. Now. … If you’re interested, the Goldie match at Survivor Series officially is Undertaker, Big Show and Chris Jericho in a triple-threat. Hmmm…face champion against a tag team…that’s a great idea! Too bad RAW didn’t think of that! Oh…wait…yeah it did. That’s right, the exact same match for both titles. Wake me up when something original happens.

Impact 10/29: Damn you, Hulkster

A couple days ago, I relayed a message — Hulk Hogan is returning to professional wrestling via TNA — and I was none too happy about it. He’s a mid-50s man with mid-80s knees, hips and back…carrying as much weight (a legit 300-plus  pounds on a 6-foot-4 frame) and doing steroids for as long as he did will do that to a brother. *inserts Hogan impression* He was damn near immobile during the last match many would have seen, his win over Randy Orton at SummerSlam 2006. He can’t get it done in the ring, and he doesn’t really do business.

Still, the son of a bitch sucked me in on Thursday night’s Impact, which ended with taped footage of his initial press conference Tuesday at Madison Square Garden. A bold move, to say the least, since MSG is the Mecca of a certain wrestling promotion he helped launch to the stratosphere in the 1980s and has a No. 3 show with ratings comparable to the show he will soon join.

He looks like he always has, which means he’s an outstanding physical specimen for 36, let alone 56…the pythons are still in full effect. He sounds the same. Most importantly, he still has that undeniable charisma that, despite the inevitable letdown in the ring, still gives fans that glimmer of hope. That belief that, just like he did when we were young(er), he can take on whatever comes and get the job done.

No matter what, if only for a few moments, he makes you a Hulkamaniac all over again.

Obviously the Hogan signing was the big focus, which was good since Impact (which was taped last week) was a bit dull and needed something to prop it up.

Speaking of the show: Kurt Angle‘s face turn is complete thanks to the utter despicability (is that a word?) of one Desmond Wolfe. However, Wolfe clotheslined the shit out of Angle and ‘injured’ him. I wonder if this has anything to do with his arrest not long ago? … Chris Sabin is lucky he isn’t severely injured after taking a yurinagi (newbies read as: Rock Bottom) from Bubba Ray. He took the full force of the throw with the back of his head, which is Bubba’s fuck-up. Good to know Sabin’s OK, but his dome still can’t feel too well.  Awesome Kong spent her week just coming to the ring and beating the shit out of people. Well, the second time she wasn’t too successful (thanks to Tara), but it was still pretty sweet. I wish someone in WWE would do that. Imagine Orton just snapping and making a couple sneaky run-ins, chair swinging. … The TNA championship storyline involves A.J. Styles just chillin’ in the back, then getting jumped every week. It seems like you would use your best storylines on the strap, but clearly Vince Russo is seeing things differently (of course). … Get Rhino off the air. Hell, put Hogan in his place. This is already more ink than Rhino deserves. … Give Hernandez a belt! … Speaking of belts, Eric Young has supposedly retired the TNA Legends title and called it the TNA Global championship. He won’t defend it on American soil or against American wrestlers because we don’t deserve it. I like this guy. … But I like the Beautiful People more.

Yes…

Yes…

And oh yes.

In the words of Kevin Nash, “Stay wet, my friends.”

ECW 10/27: The perfect champ?

Christian has been in ECW for far too long…or so I thought before finally getting a chance to watch Tuesday night’s show.

After watching his ECW championship match with Yoshi Tatsu, and remembering a recent match he had with Zack  Ryder, it’s easy to understand why: Christian is the perfect ECW champion.

Does he deserve to be on one of the other shows? Of course. However, he’s ideal for this show. He’s got plenty of experience, but he’s still young enough (35, and with no extra weight or major injuries) to keep up with the new blood. He’s a big enough name (thanks to his prior work with Edge, two NWA titles and now two ECW titles) to bring instant credibility to a show that somehow gets ratings near the level of TNA Impact.

Most importantly, he’s savvy enough to make the young guys look good.

His latest gem was against Yoshi Tatsu, who was hyped non-stop in promos leading up to, and during, the show. A few minutes before the match, it would’ve seemed impossible for Yoshi to lose.

He did, but not before an entertaining match that undoubtedly will elevate both guys. Yoshi took a multiple-time world champion to the wire. Christian maintained his reputation as a fighting champion and continues the WWE’s longest current major (OK, so that’s used a little loosely) title reign.

Then, he got the living shit kicked out of him by the Round Table — Ezekiel Jackson, Vladimir Kozlov and William Regal. Wonder who’s getting the next title shot? (And, face it. Regal deserves it.)

New stuff

Though we didn’t see the trifecta, there were a couple new elements in ECW. The first was Tiffany’s new music, which was a long time coming. At first, ECW recycled the music of a certain former Diva from Idaho:

First off, if you don’t know, you really better ask somebody. Second, if you *do* know, Google her with SafeSearch off, scroll through a couple pages and thank me later. Anyway, moving right along…yeah, Tiffany has new music. Cool.

Another addition was Byron Saxton, who joined Josh Matthews on the announce team and held his own. Though I was a fan of Bryon’s work, one question came to mind: WHERE THE FUCK IS MATT STRIKER?! Well, the answer is here, courtesy of PWTorch.com. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, go to MyNetwork on Friday night, watch/listen, and enjoy.

NEXT BLOG: TNA Impact (surely featuring far too much news on the Huckster)

Hulkamania is gonna hobble wild on TNA! Woooooooooooo!

Some earth-shattering news from Total Nonstop Action wrestling, which apparently wants to cease any and all action. In an attempt to draw attention upon itself and boost meager ratings, TNA has signed 56-year-old Hulk Hogan. Oh, and Ric Flair, 60, could also be on the way.

So sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy WCW Monday Ni…I mean, TNA Impact!

Seriously, these moves could straight-up kill TNA. Though he retired in the perfect fashion, Flair can still physically get it done at some level. However, at this point he’s taking a spot from someone younger and better. Hopefully, he would use that spot to elevate some guys and show them a thing or two. Or he could become one of the best managers of all time.

As for Hogan…fuck.

I grew up a Hulkamaniac from about age 6, and I marked the fuck out when he returned and reformed the nWo. But he showed he was washed up then…SEVEN YEARS AGO. Now he’s just gonna get back to being buddy-buddy with Kevin Nash, wrestle guys like Scott Steiner, Flair and Sting, and try to destroy an entire organization in the name of his own personal gain.

Where, pray tell, have I seen this before. Wait, I think I’ve got…nope, maybe it was…oh yeah, that’s right.