Earlier tonight saw the completion of Bragging Rights, a WWE pay-per-view featuring three matches between RAW and SmackDown! superstars/divas/let’s just call them ‘wrestlers’ for…you guessed it…bragging rights. The other two matches were a 4-way for the World Heavyweight title (which will be referred to as ‘Goldie’ from this point forward) and and an ironman match between John Cena and Randy Orton for the WWE title.
In theory, a great card, right? Hell, I just added $40 to my cable account, and I’m broke as shit.
Unfortunately, as has been the case with WWE for quite a while now, in theory does not mean in practice.
Here’s a short breakdown of each match, for those who wisely chose to save their money:
U.S. champion The Miz def. Intercontinental champion John Morrison; RAW leads Bragging Rights, 1-0
This match should’ve been better, but it was acceptable. Plus, these two will have far more chances to compete against each other in the future, assuming one doesn’t go the Marty Jannetty route and shovel vast amounts of
booze, pills and who knows what else into his body.
Morrison flew around and outside the ring because he’s Young Shawn Michaels 2.0 (with a better look and better gimmick). Miz played his angry, overaggressive heel part and relied some chicanery and about as much of a power game as is believable from a professional wrestler who weighs 230 pounds.
The match revolved around Morrison’s finisher, a split-legged corkscrew moonsault from the top rope called Starship Pain. The first time he set it up, Miz rolled out of the ring. The second, Miz got up, threw off Morrison’s balance and pinned him. A better finish would’ve been desired, but it was a sneak one and, well, The Miz is supposed to be sneaky.
Women’s champion Michelle McCool, Beth Phoenix and Natalya def. Divas champion Melina, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly; Bragging Rights tied at 1.
There’s really not a lot to say. It was dull. It was boring…it was a WWE Diva match. Beth hit her finisher on Melina for the win. Now let’s move on, but not before a gratuitous photo of Kelly Kelly…Kelly. For more, Google her real name (Barbie Blank) and thank me later.
Feel better? So do I. Moving right along…
The Undertaker def. Batista, CM Punk and Rey Mysterio to retain Goldie
The biggest part wasn’t how Taker won (or how). It was the Rey/Batista dynamic, which resulted in quite possibly the best part of the PPV that didn’t involve John Cena getting the holy shit kicked out of him. At one point, Batista hits his powerbomb finisher on Taker, then covers. Mysterio breaks up the pin, since that’s what you do when it’s a Fatal 4-Way.
Batista loses his shit. 
First, he breaks up Rey’s cover then, after a brief argument, shoves him out of the ring. After the match, Josh Matthews interviews the pair in the ring. Batista says he’s tired of his friend stabbing him in the back, then beats up a man half his size to a pulp. That, my friends, is how you turn heel.
Naturally, this sets up for Batista and Rey to settle things at Survivor Series, then possibly a heel Batista facing Taker for Goldie at Whatever-the-Hell-the-WWE-December-PPV-Is-Called.
As you noticed, CM Punk wasn’t much of a factor. Oh well. I’m sure as a result of his diminshed role he’ll go have a smoke, or get tanked, or snort some…oh wait. He’s the Straight Edge (TM) dude, right? Oops!
Chris Jericho, Kane, Finlay, Matt Hardy, R-Truth and The Hart Dynasty def. D-Generation X, The Big Show, Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger, Kofi Kingston and Mark Henry; SmackDown! wins Bragging Rights, 2-1, and earns a shiny trophy.
Basically, a typical example of the WWE philsophy that, since tag-team matches are cool, they should fit as many 
people as possible in a tag-team match. First off: No. Second: Why not save something like this for Survivor Series, go elimination-style and avoid a clusterfuck?
It also followed the typical WWE formula: normal tag match for a while, things start to break down, bodies fly everywhere right before someone hits a finisher on the only other dude in the ring. This case was a little different. With the choice of beating up fellow tag champion Chris Jericho or RAW teammate Kofi Kingston, Big Slow did the latter and chokeslammed top-rope-perched Kofi.
SmackDown! wins and Todd Grisham seems happy that it is the ’superior’ brand. Yay.
John Cena def. Randy Orton, 6-5, in Ironman Match to win WWE championship
John Cena. Randy Orton. No DQ. Ironman match. Even WWE can’t screw this up…right?
…right?
Wrong. Very wrong.
The first ironman match was a classic. Unfortunately, Randy Orton and John Cena are not Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels.
To put it mildly, this match sucked. It sucked so bad, I’m not even gonna waste a ton of space on it. There were some cool spots (simultaneous RKO and Attitude Adjustment, Orton DDT from apron to floor, Orton trying to blow Cena up with pyro on the stage, Cena hitting the Attitude Adjustment from the newly transported ring steps onto the announcers’ table), but a lot…I repeat, a lot of cheap pins. It was like the booking committee decided the more decisions, the better the match.
WRONG.
Hart/Michaels at WrestleMania XII was a classic, and it had zero decisions in 60 minutes. This was an ironman match intended to keep the attention span of the legion of 8-year-old Cena fans. Meanwhile, this 24-year-old Orton fan quickly lost interest because basically anything resulted in a pin. Plus, I’m sure they could have cut this match even at a semi-moderate pace and done all these spots in about 25-30 minutes.
Oh well. Get used to more of what’s below, against an opponent who likely will be instantly elevated from the middle of the card. Oh boy.
