I pulled a dubious WWE viewing trifecta on my day off: NXT (read here), Main Event and Superstars (coming soon). Why? Because it was a day off and all three were in the Hulu Plus queue. NXT was simple enough to write about, because there was a theme. The last two? Well, if you’re into multiple 3MB vs. Primetime Players tag matches, you’re in luck!
The following are random, bullet-pointed notes taken during last night’s viewing:
• So let me get this straight: The intro shows some actual main-event guys, including The Undertaker. (Superstars does the same). Then they open with a Kofi Kingston match. We’ll see how many actual main-event guys are in, well, Main Event. I’m guessing zero.
• Look, it’s Alex Riley! I saw him destroy The Miz in Portland 3 years ago, but the push basically ended right there.
Kofi Kingston vs. Curtis Axel
• Oh, and thank my lucky stars, it’s former Intercontinental and tag-team champion Curtis Axel! That’s right, Joe Hennig has only one leg of the Triple Crown to go. He’s just … boring. I don’t think the beard helps him. It would if he just sold out and received sponsorship from the Portland Timbers. Get it…Timbers? Ax? Beard? Some craft beer on his breath? … too far? OK.
• So to perpetuate this Main Event thing, A-Ry and sidekick are putting Kofi in the thick of the title hunt. You know … since that went so well last time.
BTW, that was 5 years ago. Kofi’s last sniff of the main event was with Randy Orton and The Legacy a few months to a year later, before he forgot how to stay down and take a finisher.
• Clearly, WWE is using canned crowd reaction. Because NOBODY should care that much about a running, leaping elbow. The only elbow that should get a huge pop is this (OHHHHHH YEAHHHHH! Dig it!):
• Moving right along … I’m oddly hoping Kofi pulls the midweek trifecta and shows up on Superstars. (He does, but as one of three highlight replays from RAW).
• OK, cool counter from Axel. Kofi goes for the slip-the-corner-attack/kick-over-the-ropes thing, and Axel stops him and drops the elbow.
• Good thing Axel is one of A-Ry’s favorites. Is that exactly a ringing endorsement? Also, Riley’s going into distributive property mode: What if Axel beats the guy who beat the world champ? Uh-huh … right …
• My wife, unsolicited: “Curtis Axel is stupid!” Well, there you have it.
• Axel: “Look at Kofi Kingston! He’s nothing!” Comeback in 3 … 2 …
• OK, that dropkick was an actual impact move. Kofi wastes his movements SO much. We have to belief the airtime actually helps make the move devastating. He needs to sit down and watch an A.J. Styles match. Especially since shortly thereafter, he breaks out a flying crossbody in which he landed light as a feather onto Axel. More stiff as a board there, kid.
• Hold up, hold up, hold up. Kofi hits his finisher into the post, but is able to (1) roll up Axel for the win about 15 seconds later, and (2) react to throw him over the top rope? Cool story, guys. Guess Kofi’s sneak-winning his way to the strap. I’ll wait about 5 years for that.
• Oh my God, that’s Ryback‘s music!!! And he’s gone after taking a lap. That’s kind of awesome. (The first time it actually was. He did it three more times. If he actually mattered, he at least would’ve pulled this shit on SmackDown.)
“Sin Cara” vs. Damien Sandow
• ¡Hola, Hunico! Is Mistico ever coming back in all his botched glory? Are you as mad as I am he’ll never touch this level in WWE?
• (During the New Age Outlaws vs. Rhodes Brothers plug): The Outlaws are old. Also, when your main event is three-fourths made up of mid-carders from the Attitude Era and before, it looks very mid-to-late ’90s WCW. But hey, Legends!!! NOSTALGIA!!!!!1!
• Stoner lighting for this match. Also, I want Sandow’s “I > U” T-shirt. Also also, I want this lighting in my bedroom. For, you know, naps and stuff.
• Now Sandow’s apparently in the world title hunt. Who isn’t on this show?
• I want Camacho to roll out on the low-rider bike in a glittery mask and shit. THAT would make the Hunico-Camacho thing work.
• I like Sandow’s “You’re Welcome” finisher. Kind of a Full Nelson into Rock Bottom thing. Thank you indeed.
• 3MB! 3MB! 3MB! Brad Maddox said their handicap match against PTP tonight is so the people in the back can have a break from them. Too bad we can’t get a break from Maddox.
• And now my intro to Bad News Barrett. The whole yelling thing doesn’t work. He sounds like an angry old Brit instead of the authoritative Wade Barrett from The Nexus. (Remember them?) But hey, nice cheap heat by comparting the crowd to barnyard animals. Twice.
3MB vs. PTP
• 3MB is such a terrible gimmick. Heath Slater makes sense. But Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal? Give these men something to do! But hey, at least they and PTP actually were in the intro.
• What the hell happened to McIntyre? This guy has talent! And, as I jot that down, he jobs out when Darren Young gets the roll-up while he’s complaining to the ref. There was zero point to this match.
3MB vs. Los Matadores (con El Torito)
• And there’s no point to this Maddox-inspired-on-the-fly contest, either. If El Torito magically morphs into Carlito to complete the Colon family trio, I might be intrigued. Or if El Matador joined Los Matadores. I miss Tito Santana. (Obligatory “¡Arriba!” reference)
• The bull has the biggest pop of the night. Well, since Kofi’s elbow thing. Something’s wrong here. Also, it’s clear WWE gives exactly zero shits about the low and midcard. I’m done here.